Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Vote CHAD!!!

Canadian Idol has begun the voting, and whilst I'm not one to watch anything that has that Cock-slap Ben Mulroney on it, I have to conceed to talent.
I met this kid Chad Doucette when I was doing my one-man show in Halifax in 2004 and he was playing in a bar I happened to be in, and I was thinking wow this singers good, so I went upstairs to check out what's the deal and I almost feel down because the singer was this 16 yr old kid that looked like he was 12, after talking with his family I invited him to play for my shows, he did and he was brilliant. Now he is a contestant on Canadian Idol.
All I can say about Chad is:
He's a cool kid.
He has a nice family.
He is talented.
He has a great voice
He writes is own music.

So Call-IN and vote for CHAD DOUCETTE.
I know voting started yesterday for him and there is only a 2 hour window, but I was on a plane, hopefully he'll make it through and you can vote for him during the next few weeks. Let's all help Chad Doucette have a career that could lead him to doing coke off a hookers ass at some Vegas penthouse suite hotel. LET's MAKE DREAMS COME TRUE!

back in the saddle

Well I'm back home. Arrived last night late on British Airways and I got to be in First Class which is awesome. Actually got to recline all the way back and sleep in my own little coucette. Happy to be home, mainly because allergies aren't so bad here, must be the pollution helps quell down pollen.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

This years fashion

So its Saturday night and I went into the city and the fashion that the ladies are sporting this year in italy would be best classified as Hooker Cowboy. You see its all hooker looking fashion, but with cowboy boots. Lots of tits, lots of yee-haa

Done and Done

Hey Motherfuckers, looks like my touring is done. Didn't make half as much as I anticipated I would make which sucks rhino snatch but at least they were cool trips with cool people and i got some good biking in. My eyes are still killing me, I try not to rub them but i have to. Tonight a dinner and tomorrow, finish up my work and then crash crash crash.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Helter Swelter

I rode 36 km in 40 degree heat up and down hills. fuck it was not pleasat. Then i foudn out that this 5 star hotel we stayed in threw out a clients print because they thought it was garbage, no im sorry, no its my fault, the tell me it disappeared. that was their fucken excuse it dissappeared. how the fuck does something dissappear? I told them it was unacceptable (I was sweating in bike shorts with my balls at eye level. and the short hair bitch tells me these things happen even in 5 star hotel. needless to say i was not pleased and i was and continue to be a huge prick to them. tonight we have dinner there let me see how i can fuck with them, i wont be happy till i make the bitch cry. thats how they do it on the Apprentice right?

Zombie Ride

Well as always in this area of Tuscany my allergies are really bad, you know the white of your eyes, mine are red and oozing puss, its great cause im also in my ball hugging bike pants and my nose has a constant drip, and im walking around this very uppity 5 star hotel, dripping and pussing all over the place. All I can say is fuck the 5 star hotels because they lose things that i need, and even when i confirm 3 times massages and dinners with them they dont understand. And they have a cuntress walking the grounds. Gotta go have breakfast. Umadlkdjdoiufadfa (thats my zombie speak)

Thursday, June 22, 2006

one more thing

i figure i would just get a couple of last things in before my sore eyes force me to bed. I will be riding about 65km in 40 degree heat tomorrow. Tonight my hotel is an oven because the a/c broke down, so its impossible to get anyone to fix it until about 9 am as they told us , which means it wont be fixed tomorrow, ahh life at the Cappucina. They have a pool but I havent been to it. Because we move around so much the past 2 days ive been showing up to elegant dinners in the most wrinkled shirts you can imagine. When I shower here at The Cappucina, the shower curtain gets sucked in and wrapps it self around me and when i try to push it away it just licks my legs with big long wett licks, so now I shower without a curtain and brush my teeth in a foot of water by the sink. Back to my oven for sleep.

excuse me while I de-puss my eyes

Tonight at dinner I had to excuse myself to go and wipe the puss out of my eyes, isnt that attractive. As well ice in italy is a commodity like gold or oil, asking for it from a hotel is like asking for a kidney they give be half a Longo's bag of ice for our cooler which is suppose to have drinks for 12 people. And when I asked (knowningly i might add, but for the benefit of the doubht i thought I would) if I could get ice at a gas station they said "no you get gas at a gasstation). I bit my lip because I wanted to ask so "where the fuck does one find an ice station in italy" but I didnt and to be honest i could give a rats ass about ice, but of course those from north america arent used to drinking water and sodas piss warm, so I have to do what i can with 17 cubes of ice. It was hot and when its hot like Frosty I melt. But i did find the best gelato in Tuscany in the piazza in San Gimignano. Shame people ask me about the historic signifance of San Gimignano and all I can say is "the town is named after a milanese saint, how odd" and then I just go off into my Vernaccia speech, its the white wine found here, dee-lish, drank half a bottle tonight, i come back to the hotel (Im at the cappucina hotel where the front desk the bald dude is a real schmuck, he told me I can use the computer for 5 minutes and hes busy talking to his skin head friends --they might not be bald but the look like skin heads to me.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Ghost Nun

OK so for those of you who have been reading my blog, you may have heard of the ghost nun who lives in the old monestary which has no been converted into a beautiful hotel, where Germans and Americans walk around in flip flops suning their pale bodies by the pool. Well, we sort of shrugged this aside when me and my collegue heard about it, then this morning a client came up to us and said I couldnt sleep all night because someone was in the room upstairs walking around and creaking a door, and she added and it was like a weird clomping type footstep. She looked at us, because we both had this look of "what the fuck! " and we were oh no nevermind, thats interesting and such, but we didnt tell her there are no rooms above you, since your ceiling is 12 foot high. Shame Ghost Nun strikes again. I cant even tell you how much Ive been drinking between pre-dinner drinks or apperativi as we call them plus all the Chianti Classico we have for dinner and the after dinner drinks all i can say is wow its good country to drink in, but fuck thehills are steep. There is this one hill that is so steep you think its over and the hills ugly sister slaps you in the face. I will be home soon as my jaunt is near done and i am oh so happy. Tomorrow i am in the van so i will crank the Canadian 80s rock yet again.

the @ symbol

in order for me to get the @ symbol to appear on italian computers i litterally have to press 7 keys and bark like a dog. I wake up to the sound of cuckoos and the room i am in is for handicap people so i have to shower sitting down.


I hate dealing with Italians I fucken hate it, especially when they think theyve got the best job and treat you like shit. The more highclass the hotel the bigger dicks they are like the Cunt-tress I have to deal with at this hotel we are going to. she dyes her hair this impossible red and has a mole on her cheek that I swear blinks at you. shame. Anyways she is being a real wretched snatch with me, but now Im being a very smug dick-smack back, we shall see what goes down when i see her tomorrow, the showdown begins, i was all smug when she called confused about our dinner arrangemnts im like bitch i spoke to your matre-d what the fuck. It is impossible to get massages in italy. And for some reason massages and blow jobs in italy are really really bad. shame gotta go my bus is parked precariously on this fucken hill and i got to get down this really tight really steep hill that has jagged pieces jetting out at you, i swear at times i feel like im in the movie Running man.
had great tiramisu today.

Literally 2 min

I literally have 2 minutes as everyone is learning to cook Tuscan delights.ù
All I did yesterday was fix peoples tires on the side of the road. Today Ive been driving a baus fast and crazy up and down switch back hills listening to 80s Canadian rock, there is nothing like seeing the beautiful Chianti Countryside blaring Platinum Blonde out the van.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


It is very cloudy and grey in Florence, which could mean I^ll be riding up fucken hills in the rain as it is my turn to ride, last time I had the wrong directions on me so I had a couple follow me the wrong way, how great is that? shame.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Blue Monday

I want to send a shout out to my buds at Blue Monday's, keep oiling the machine guys!
OK so tomorrow I start another tour, since I havent had a chace to go to the clinic to get my eyes checked, I have bought camomille tea, as I hear if you place a warm back on your congintivitis or pink eye or swollen stink eye, which has yet to be determined what i have as going to clinic here in italy does not make sense when i ask can i go to when they are like no they wont be able to perscribe anything you have to spend 6 hours in an ER to get that done if you dont have a family dr. here in italy. It's fucke barbaric. So I'm down to using lotions and potions from yesteryear.
Our last tour went well, all things considered. This tour we have far less people which means far less tips, which means marco will be home with less than he thought and thats not fun.
In Tuscany the dialect is such that they dont pronounce their "c"s it sounds more like an "h" its funny. What else can I tell you about my stay here that I already havent bitched about? The Hotel Savoy in Florence is really nice and expensive but the conceirge staff seems dim to me. It took 2 people to ring in my book purchase today and it still took 20 minutes. I want to kill people who work in stores here.
Water pressure is always an issue, one of the reasons i could never live here.
It's funny but whenever i am doing a trip i always think how wonderful the other trips must be, not the one i am doing. This time I'm gonna try to have a lot of fun on this trip.

Tic Tacs

I am taking 24 allergie tablets 2 at a time like they are tic tacs.
I can't wait to come back home and just chill.
someone asked about my Ass and Ball cream, im not biking as much as i did last year but the hills are crazy and it comes in handy.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Under My Tuscan Balls

OK I finished my first tour of Chianti region of Tuscany.
I wasnt able to go to Cortona with the rest of the crew here to watch the game (Italy vs. USA) partly because I did do a lot of work here, and partly because there was no room in the vehicle by the time I asked, which is a) shame and b) more than shame. So I say Shit on Cortona and shit on Frances Mayes.
I have drunk so great Chianti Classico's who knew they would be so good. This morning I set my alarm at 4:45 AM for an appointment only to realize when I got to the hotel that I was one hour early, I fucked up on the time, so I went back to bed again got up at the right time, went back to bed and my fucken alarm rang an hour earliar then it had to, as in an exhausted state I musn't of been able to figure out what the fuck I was doing (wow you turn the 30 corner and you realize you become old and decript), I had a weird dream that I one eyed monkey was hanging on to my arm, man it was very scary I was shaking in my bed. Fucken cycloptic space monkeys are anything but charming when you haven't had a good nights rest. I can't wait to hit the bed tonight. Supposedly my room was haunted by a coistered nun the other night when stayed at this Fancy hotel formerly a monastary. I biked 30 some odd kms yesterday and all i can say is Tuscany is not easy biking. So German woman on a motorcycle was down on the rode as I was climbing the hill. It looked very serious and made my riding much more controlled and serious too. Holy shit I tried to scare this giant spider with a highlighter to get it away from me and it ran towards me, now I have no clue where it is. My swollen eye is getting better which is nice considering I had dinner in this very fancy resteraunt the other night and my eyes were pussing up in front of people, the whites of my eyes were all red I looked like I was an extra in some zombie film. After some late night grappa I told some people who probably didn't need to know "The Pilot" episode I had when I got banned from The Pilot (in Yorkville), shit on the Pilot too! Well That brings my night to an end as I can barely keep my eyes open and there is a hostel Daddy long leggs out to get me.

Friday, June 16, 2006

a little medical update

it looks like i might have pink eye in both my eyes.
A doctor who is on my trip just told me thats what it looks like.
so its 2 am i have to be up at 4:30 to say bye to some of my clients shame is all i can say shame and you know what more shame.

Fucken asshole concerige

So the fucken bald concerege here at my hotel is an asscunt who says i can use his computer for 5 minutes what kind of hotel has no internet access and has one computer, he is a lazy prick who should be fucked with a bottle of 94 chianti
thats all i have time for right now.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Grease is the word

I slathered my ass and balls with this ass and ball cream i have and rode a measly 10 km and thought i would have a heart attack. there are all these fucken loud german kids in my hotel and I officially hate italians. I drink great Chianti Classico and someone gave me one today, which is nice and here is what i am fucken learning and it sounds so shame coming out of my mouth i cant even tell you:
1997 was perhaps the greatest year Chianti has seen in a long while.
2003 is another phenominal year because of how hot it was, buy that up.
it would seem that 2004 is going to be another outstanding year. 94 not so good, 2000 , 2001, very nice too. and you know what im thinking the whole time im saying it: Fuck Chianti!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Donàt even know what to say

its midnight. i have to pack. i am so very tired. my eyes are red and scritchy. i am not good with rmembering where the hills are people ask me, and they earnestly answer and i wish I could remember where and i dont so i just kinda give wishy washy answers. shame . im just not good at stuff like that. we had some delicious wines tonight and i wore an italian wig and pretended to be the Duke of Radda for our guests. it was in a word° shame.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Fuck theres a day for you

OK so my day went anything but smooth.
Let's just say there was someone who got a lot of skritches falling off their bikes and i am now nurse fucken nightengale. Does a first aid training class in a gym really train you for nursing? I wass in top form ripping open gauze patches, idioning and telling him all that needed to be done ER style, I have said it once and many a time "I almost went into MEdicine and McMaster University." My wallet full of 900 Euro fell into the toliet, jesus christ. I was taking off my bike shorts to well you know sit down and my wallet which i tucked in them for safe keepiong fell in to the toliet and it was one of those toliets that had that blue water in it too. shame. Highlight was eating Bistecca Fiorentina and drinkiing a remarkable Chianti Classico as thats the fucken zone of italy im in.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Thank god for Advil

Rough day today road around the hills of San Gimignano.
Have a headache, and im still working. Tomorrow morning I have to drive to the Hotel Savoy through the city which blocks cars from entering it and i have to cross over the ARno to do so and take the "giro della Madonna" to do so. Shame

Saturday, June 10, 2006


A Shicane is a quick "esse" in the road often found on race tracks and found all over Tuscany. Today I drove about 200 km, like a bitch in heat up and down and around all kind of curves. Shame. Almost shit myself twice and did once. I can't even tell you how crazy the bike riding will be here in Tuscany and I fear that I might collapse half way up some of these hills. Shame again. I have taken some photos but like an asshole I do not have the right UBS cable (fuck Kodak and all the Eastman's still alive). I am so tired but have to do some reading and some accounting before tomorrow. I start my official tour Tuesday. Once again, shame.

Chianti it is

I'm off to Chianti country. I need to find the fucken Castel where Chianti Classico was invented if you will. Shame.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Train station

I just drove to the Arezzo train station and back to the Depot in a giant van. No harm, no foul.

Thursday, June 08, 2006


I've never had them this bad, sneezing in continuous stretches and red swollen eyes; a collegue gave me some super strength Italian tablet for anaphailactic shock to help my face swelling to go down. Shame. And the computer won't let me upload my photos and I brought the wrong USB cable for my digital camera, damn you Kodak for using your own bitch version of a USB cable!!!

Sneeze and Sniffle

OK so on my flight to London was awesome on British Airways, if I could fly with them exclusively it would be fucken unreal. There were 10 films I could choose from to watch and I chose this shitty film starring Samuel Jackson, Edie Falco, and Julianne Moore (who never flushes her toliet). Then fell asleep only to awake becauce the woman seated next to me kept sneezing and sniffling the entire time, and I was trying everything not to get to close to her. Hopped on another plane to Rome then a train to Arezzo and 14 hours later I was at home base. Thankfully, I don't think I got a cold from the snatch next to me, but my allergies are absolutely crazy here. Went on my first bike ride today in Tuscany. It was brutal, the hills here are a kick in the nut-sack and yes I did slather them up with Ass-and-Ball-cream. I had to stop at a gas station to get my breath and drink water because I thought I was going to puke. I rested for about 10 min, then the ancient woman who pumps the gas (yes she pumps the gas) told me I could drink the water from the hose near the gas pump as it comes from her well and is perfectly potable. I hate to say this but the well must be as old as the lady's snatch because the water (which like an asshole I filed my bottle up with) tasted like dirty socks mixed with old snatch.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Another thing about Pearso

I think it is shitty that the rancid little kiosks and stores close at Pearson before all the flights have left. I think they should stay open as long as there are people who are travellers in the airport. I wanted to buy a book or something but the good bookstore was closed and there was no selection at the little newspaper store, and Starbucks was closed and only rancid Toast was open. As much of a prick as i am, i dont understand why people dont help tourist who dont speak english, i helped an Asian dude order a coffe because the lady at Tims was too much of bitch to help him. shame.

Amish On A Plane

Ok so i'm at Pearson waiting to board and I notice all these Amish women. And I feel like Harrison Ford in Witness as i realize the are all going to London with me. I thought the Amish were only suppose to travel by horse and buggy, but i guess not. Regardless I think it's good luck to travel with nuns, monks and the Amish so I'm happy.

Friday, June 02, 2006

On a Midnight Train to Florence

Tuesday sees me flying out to London bouned for Rome, then hopping on a train to Tuscany where I will be a guide for a Tuscany Chianti Getaway bike tour.
So please get ready to hear me bitch about how terrible it is to be constantly drinking Chianti in Tuscany with no water pressure.

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